Batman: Inner Monologue
by Jester666
Summary: He is Vengance! He is the Night! He... can't get out his whole inner monologue. What happens when an uppity side-kick wants his fair shot at being not only a hero, but a inner monologuer to? It's a gripping tale of thrills, chills, and a dumbness!


BATMAN: INNER MONOLOUGIN!

Chapter 1:

The Amazing Flying Shark

"And the Lord did say 'Let the Fourth Wall Crumble' and the characters did as commanded."

AN: Annnnnd I'm back. Yeah, long time no see . Now I know you all must be breathlessly wondering where I have been for the past forever. Well see, I was off saving the world from Space Nazis. Yeah… Space Nazis. Anywho, I honestly doubt any of you give half of a rats left testicle where I've been. But to herald my triumphant return I decided to write this. I won't give to much away plot wise, as I really have no idea where this is going. I am just starting out with an opening chapter, and if it goes somewhere, then it goes somewhere. If not… oh well.

_This city is rotten. I stand above it know, as it's silent protector, and I can't help but wonder: am I making a difference? I began my quest to seek vengeance for my parents so many years ago. I vowed to make this world a place where no one would have to go through that kind of hell. So I became something that criminals feared. I now wear the mantle of the Bat. I have become fear itself. Now I am vengeance! I am the night! I AM—_

"Hey, Bruce?"

"What is it Tim?"

"Are you inner monologuing again?" Batman looked over at his faithful sidekick with his usual glare.

"Yes, Tim. I am inner monologuing." He turns back to the city and returns to back to his pose on the roof top.

_Let's try that again… I am Vengeance! I am the Night! I AM BA—_

"So what are you monologuing about?" Batman looked over at Robin with a look of disbelief.

"I'm trying to get to the 'I am Batman' bit." He turns back.

_I am Vengeance! I am the Night!—_

"So can I help?" Batman turned again to his young sidekick.

"What?"

"Can I help? You know, with the monologue?"

"No you can't help with the monologue!" Robin looked disappointed.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a monologue. Plus it's inner. If I let you help with my internal monologue than it would be an external dialogue!"

"Oh… I get it. Only room for one monologuer, huh?

"By definition, YES!"

"Fine! Well, you can go ahead and do your smelly 'hero internal monologue'! I'll just do my own!"

"Tim, you are a side-kick. You only get to do an internal monologue if you are the hero, or are in your own spin off series."

"Well how do you know this isn't my spin off series and you are just guest staring?"

"Because if it were, you would be monologuing, or the story would revolve around you."

"How do you know it doesn't?"

"Because if it did then something orienting around you would have happened."

"Nothing has happened all night. The lack of anything happening could have been oriented around me."

"Possibly, but then why am I doing the monologue?"

"Well you just assumed the nothing revolved around you. So you went ahead and did the monologue."

"Ok, fine. You can try your hand at one."

"Really? Can I drive the Batmobile too?"

"I already got you a car!"

"The Redbird? I haven't had that since the freaking 90's! I've got a motorcycle!"

"And that is less cool than the Batmobile why?"

"Because, you're car is all tricked out."

"So is your bike!"

"You wouldn't know it to look at it. It looks like you bought a motorcycle and painted it red for me."

"It has accessories!"

"Yeah, but not as visually as the Batmobile!"

"So you get to be subtle! I fail to see the problem here!"

"Look, just forget it, Bruce. You just don't get it."

"That's cause there isn't a problem!"

" No, no. Just forget it."

"WHAT?!"

"Look, just forget I said anything."

"You are totally gonna hold this over my head aren't you?"

"Look, just forget it!"

"'See Bruce you don't understand, just like with the Batmobile'!"

"I said drop it!"

"Just get to your damn monologue!"

"Well maybe I don't want to monologue if you are going to be a stinker about it."

"Ok, look, you can drive the Batmobile once around the Batcave if you just do this already."

"Alright. Fine… hold on, let me get into character here."

_I look down at Gotham City, my city, and I have to wonder: is it all worth it? I could be down there, a normal kid. Living my life the way I want. Going out on date, sneaking into R rated films. Doing homework… ok maybe not the homework bit, but I like the part about the R rated movies and the dates… ooh maybe I could take a date TO an R rated movie. Then we could make out in the back. And then we could go back to her place… or should it be my place? I don't know… Alfred probably would ignore us, but knowing Bruce… also it might intimidate her, it being a huge house, and it might look all date rapey. Hmmm… of course I don't want to seem like I'm being imposing with "hey let's go to your place and do nefarious activities there"… but—_

"Robin!"

"What!?"

"Get back to actual monologuing!"

"How do you know I wasn't?"

"You had a vague happy grin. That implies happiness. You can't be happy when you monologue."

"Like you've never been happy when you monologue?"

"I'm never happy."

"Fine. Hold on one sec…"

… _So why do I do it? Why do I spend my nights up here kicking ass and taking names? Ok stupid question. Real question, why do I hang out in tights with a guy who is like 3 times my age and beat people to a pulp in the name of justice? That is probably a better question. Ok, so it dose have some awesome perks, AND I do get to stay out as late as I want… And the outfit dose please the ladies… and I get to break the law with no repercussions… ok so better question: Why the hell do I wonder why I do this!? It's a freaking sweet job! Ok... let's see… how would Bruce end one of these… oh right. I made a vow to…avenge somebody? I don't know. My Dad died of a stroke. Nothing to really avenge there. OH! I could be avenging patients of terminal diseases! No… that doesn't really work… ok screw it! I made a vow to help Bruce avenge his parents death. I am Vengance('s side-kick), I am the Night('s junior partner)! I AM ROBIN!... Nah that just doesn't sound as dramatic as "I AM BATMAN"! That just sounds epic. Maybe I need to change my name. Why do I even go by Robin anyway? My costume isn't Robin themed or anything. It's not like I'm based off the bird. Besides they ditcht the "Robin Hood of our day" bit back a long ass time ago. So now I am bird themed? Is that supposed to go along with like the flying theme that Bruce has with Bat's? I mean, bats aren't really birds. More like flying rodents… and really even if we did have a bird theme then why Robin's? Ok, so I get the flying theme, I mean we have Batman, Batgirl, we got a Batwoman now, and that'll be interesting. We got a Nightwing, and we have the Birds of Prey… in there we got an Oracle, a Huntress, and a Black Canary. Well only the Canary really holds up the bird or flying themes there… Are we really even thinking this theme thing out? I mean it seems really inconsistent. And since Nightwing is supposed to have been an old Kryptonian hero that isn't really bird themed or flying themed anyway. Of course we could count it as that anyway since he is "NightWING", but then… well what kinda bird is a Nightwing? Ok screw it! From this day forth I am no longer "Robin" instead I am "The Amazing Flying Shark"! Yeah there we go. That could go places. Quick to the flying Sharkcave! Yeah! Alright!_

"Are you done yet?"

"What I'm not allowed to take my sweet time?"

"Well, it's just there is a robbery happening right over there."

"So it's a choice between monologuing and fighting bad guys?"

"Kinda. Totally up to you. I could take care of them…"

"No no no. I can take care of this. My monologue, my series, my fight."

"Are you sure? No hurry on the monologue."

"No! It's cool. Here hold on one sec…" Robin posed himself dramatically and lept off the building. He swung through the air before landing on the rooftop beneath them and out in front a little ways. He then took a position with his right leg on the ledge and his hands on his hips. He then used his grapple and swung from the ledge yelling:

"The Amazing Flying Shark to the rescue!"

Bruce stood there looking at this young ward in shock and disbeleife.

"The Amazing Flying Shark?... what did that kid monologue about!?" He then used his own grapple to swing after him.

AN: And that was the first chapter of that. Kinda random, kinda stupid. But fun to write. Obviously inner monolouging is something that has been going on since the early days of comedy, and it is so easy to make fun of. Not just that, but having a conflicted teenager wearing the Robin suit, and the sheer ridiculousness of some of the ideas/practicalities of some things explored in Batman just made this a hoot and a half to write. So I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews would be most excellent and thank you so much for reading!

Jester666


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